Christmas time is upon us my friends. Oh, yes indeed, and it is my favorite time of year. I work as a mall Santa, and it is the best job a fella could ask for. Yes indeed.
For every child that comes to see me and sit on my lap, I hand out a candy cane. Every sweet and good child who takes a picture with me gets one. But every now and then, you get one of those nasty kids. You know the kind I’m talking about, you don’t have to mince words with me. Hell, maybe you have one of those children of your own. These kids squawk and whine about every little thing, and no gift they get is good enough. ‘Spoiled’, some might say.
These children are easy to spot, I can tell them apart a mile away. Don’t worry, they get the same treatment from me, I’m a professional at my job after all, yes indeed. They even get a candy cane too, with one exception however. The candy can these children receive, have the stripes completely reversed.
800,000 children go missing in the United States every year. This is a baffling statistic. I would say that I have no idea where about… I don’t know, 650,000 of those children go. Awful and evil-intentioned folks are responsible, no doubt. As for the rest of them… well… let’s say I have a clue.
You see, I happen to know that those children are very naughty, yes indeed. The reverse candy cane makes them easy to spot. Who is my employer? Why, the big man himself, of course!
What? You don’t believe in Santa Clause? Well, he exists, of that you can be sure, yes indeed.
It seems impossible, what he does. For any one man, it would be. But he has a little help.
Elves? Oh ho, no. People like me, naughty children who got the reverse candy cane, yes indeed.
We were taken away, and we were ‘convinced’ after several days of ‘jolly reform’ that our ways were wrong, and we had to help spread joy, yes indeed. We were taught our skills for getting into homes and leaving gifts in houses, and taking something else in others.
Taking some new recruits from the reverse candy cane homes, that’s part of my job, yes indeed.